Should I stay or should I go now?

I can't remember who sings that song, but it captures my mindset the last few weeks. You see, I have this sort of cyclic mental process where I hash over my life and wonder what it would be like to live somewhere else. I grew up in Phoenix, went to the same school k-8, spent all 4 years at the same high school, went to college in Dallas, and now here I am, living in the house I grew up in, sending my kids to the same school, going to the same events, seeing the same people. Admittedly, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to set out and stake a life somewhere new, have new friends and new places to go to. But as I was uploading my most recent batch of photos onto the computer, I was struck with a sense of gratitude for the community I belong to and the tangled web of relations and friendships I am a part of. I have so many great memories of SSJ and it is fun to see my children creating those memories too. In this picture with Elise are two of her classmates - Kristen and Kahleah. I went to high school with Kristen's aunt and Kahleah's Mom and Kristen's Dad was one of Becky's teachers at SM. The older I get, the more connections there seem to be. Also pictured above is Sr. Raphael throwing out the first pitch for the Spring League. And then there was the GS Father/Daughter dance with an 80s theme that really sent me back in time. See me with my bros? I think it is part of God's grand plan to have some of us stay to keep the flames burning and others to carry a part of that flame out into some other part of the world. I like to pretend I am the latter but deep down I know how I am made and how I am happy. I am a flame keeper. I just have to resist the temptation of thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side. With gratitude and self knowledge, the grass is green everywhere you go.

Babies, heaven and feeling the distance

Mark and I just had the incredibile opportunity to travel to Calistoga to see Becky, Tyler and our newest neice Maren James. She is beautiful, of course, and Becky is beautiful too in her new role as momma. It was so fun to be auntie (we went without any kids!) and just hold her and stare at her. Babies are such a little slice of heaven!

Speaking of heaven, Calistoga and all the neighboring towns we visited were amazing. I loved the quiet and the smallness - such a change from Phoenix. We did a lot of driving around in the rolling green hills with miles and miles of vineyards and wildflowers. It was absolutely breathtaking and a vivid reminder that, yes, God really did put us in the Garden of Eden.

Leslie came out at the same time so it was nice to be together with my sisters. I was actually very emotional as Mark and I pulled away in the car toward the airport. Sometimes I get sad knowing that we will probably never live in the same city again and our kids won't grow up together. I know too that, given the right opportunity, Leslie may take off too. I know that. Sometimes it just makes me a little sad. Good to know the tear ducts are still working.

Glimpse

Has this ever happened to you? There is your child, only (fill in the blank) years old, doing something or dressed a certain way that gives you a little glimpse at what they will be like in the future. Today Juliana went to Biztown and she was so excited and got herself all ready. She was the bank teller and we found just the right outfit and - those glasses! As I looked into the camera, my heart skipped a beat and I felt as if I was gazing into the future. I know they grow up and leave one day - for now a glimpse is more than enough.

Gratitude

Of all the things I hope to teach my children, I think gratitude rates numero uno. Sometimes I get so angry when I feel like my kids have no sense of how incredibly blessed they are. Like today, for example. I discovered some BR gift certificates that were probably 2 years old and I figured I had enough to take the kids to get one scoop each. So we piled in the car, went through the car wash and then stopped in at BR for our little treat. Well, of course there was one child who was not happy about only getting one scoop and he proceeded to complain about this "outrage". My heart sank - where's the love? Where's the gratitude? On my angry drive home I was contemplating gratitude and thinking about all the ways I too act like a discontented child. Just this morning as we were doing Saturday cleanup, I made a rather lengthy mental list of all the ways our house comes up short - outdated bathroom, peeling paint, hand-me-down furniture. And I saw myself as a child complaining about only one scoop. I have been so abundantly blessed with a home that is more than sufficient for our crew. It is in a great neighborhood and we have made a lot of improvements over the years. What is it about us humans that makes us feel like it is never enough? I pray that I can learn to accept, savor and be grateful for my scoop and not pine for the other 30 flavors. And maybe, just maybe, my kids will learn to do the same.

Free Time

We don't do a lot of extracurriculars. Yes the kids play spring baseball and softball (of course!) and the girls do scouts but we have never overscheduled our kids. I know as they get older they will get busier (Diego is already there) but right now I am enjoying our afternoons when the homework is done and the kids head out to the front yard to swing, climb, shoot hoops or play catch. I love that they all have friends in the neighborhood who they can just hang out with - no scheduled play dates needed. I can't help but feel like kids are happier when they are not running at the ridiculous pace we adults do. More free time please!